Blog - David Wheatley

National Grief Awareness Week runs from 2nd to 8th December, but many of us are aware of grief already. The truth is that things will die, be it people, pets or plants. Relationships that end can also cause grief and when we lose someone or something, how it affects us is different every time. It’s different for everyone and there is no right or wrong way. I’ve worked with people who have been given a hard time for having a good time ‘too soon’. Apart from the fact it will happen, the other thing to remember about death is that the world doesn’t stop, no matter how much we might want it to.

Depending on who you ask, there are four, five, seven or even ten stages/steps/phases of grief. Whichever theory you subscribe to, not all the stages would apply, they may not happen in the order theorised, and nobody can say for sure which stage would be the hardest one to get through. It depends on the person, the circumstances of what happened and where a person is at. You may even been in multiple phases at the same time. It’s all about how we process the loss and finding a place where we can accept that what we are grieving for is gone and manage what we’re feeling, going through what some call ‘simple grief’. Sometimes people need help to get through it, experiencing ‘complicated grief’, where feelings get harder to cope with over time, and the feelings can be so intense that the grief impacts their daily life.

I’ve lost people in my life. Family, friends, colleagues, pets. I am not alone in this. The circumstances and my reactions have all been different, and I know that I’ve not grieved the same way twice. Looking at the stages, there are ones I went through, others I didn’t. Some of them just didn’t apply. The first major death event I experienced was during my school days and I was given counselling. The main thing I remember about it was how much it didn’t help, and now I’m in the other chair, I can understand why from my perspective as a therapist, and as a client. If I had been ready for counselling, if the counsellor and I had been able to establish a relationship, if a number of things had happened that didn’t, it could have created fewer problems for me later on down the line. My grief was neither ‘simple’ nor was it ‘complicated’. It was somewhere in-between and I needed help to get through the things I struggled with.

How you grieve, how long you grieve, how are act and react during grieving are for you and on your terms. The main thing is that we don’t have to go through these things alone. There are therapists like me, organisation like Cruse, or friends and family. Getting help when we have a problem we can’t easily resolve is nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s not a secret that times are hard. Whether it’s politics, world events such as the war in Ukraine or global warming, the cost of living crisis, the time of year (as I write this, there’s a blanket of fog outside and it’s been there the past two days), there are things that are making life that little bit more difficult for people. People are worried, scared, hungry, cold. It should be easier, but for whatever reason it’s not. This is where therapy can help, being able to talk and share your thoughts, feelings and fears.

I also know that realistically, therapy may not be something budgets can stretch to. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it, but in terms of the cost to your mental health can you afford that? I’m not saying that you should spend money on someone like me if you don’t have it. There are low-cost services out there, but if you don’t have the money, £10 could be £1,000 for all the good it is. We all know that the NHS provision isn’t quite what it should be either. They do their best but it’s a long time to wait for support, and it’s time people may not have. Doing what I am doing has not been easy in starting up, it’s not going to be easy continuing and it is what it is.

So what do we do? What can we do? We have to look after each other as best we can. During COVID, there was a sense of people looking out for one another, even as we were locked down. We called friends, family, checked in on vulnerable neighbours as best we could and it helped. Not totally, but it gave us something to do that felt a bit more worthwhile. We can do that again. We can make use of the warm banks that are popping up, where we can gather, get warm, keep each other company. There are resources we can tap in to, and if it is becoming a struggle, we can reach out for support. It might help, it might not, but you’re not alone and we can get through this. It will get better, I believe, even if I can’t say when, but while we are where we are, we need to look after each other.